Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC
If you told the people in your life that you were struggling, they might not believe you. You always seem to have everything handled, you know just what to say, you consider everyone's needs and you tend to live on the sunny side of the street. But you know the truth. It feels like your relationship, as you knew it, is slipping away from you.
While the daily chores and errands are being taken care of, you don't feel taken care of. You don't feel seen or understood by your partner. What you really want is more help from your partner. You want them to initiate tasks, to ask how you're doing, to appreciate what you're doing even when you're happy to do it. Feeling desired and prioritized is something you desperately crave, but you don't want to have to ask for it. Asking for it makes it feel insincere. You want to know that your partner genuinely wants you and will show up for you.
You're caught between feeling like you're doing too much and not enough in your relationship. You sometimes wonder how much of what is going on is due to your behaviors and how much is your partner's.
The scariest part is how this season of life crept in so sneakily. While there are some parts of where you're at now that you understand how they came to be, there are others that feel a bit trickier to name. How did you get here and what do you do to change things? Let's dive in.
Feeling Like You Have To Do It All
It started out innocently enough, you were willing to take on certain tasks and it seemed that it made the most sense. You had more knowledge or skill related to particular tasks or more availability in your schedule to complete them. Then there were certain things that it just seemed like due to the issues it caused for your partner to do what you need them to, it seemed simpler for you to just do it. Now your partner is filled with all this confidence in you and you're filled with resentment.
You want to correct it, but you don't know how. It isn't as simple as just passing tasks on to your partner. A pattern is established. Distance has been created. The longer it continues, the harder it feels to bridge the gap between you two.
There is also a deeper pain that is harder to name. If you know that you don't want to be stuck in the position of doing everything and not receiving the love that you need, what is really fueling this cycle?
How Things Got Off Track
While it is going to be slightly different for everyone, in general people tend to agree to things that they don't want to do when they are engaging in people pleasing. Meaning that they are putting other people's needs and feelings above their own. They often do this to keep the peace. They fear that if they upset others they won't get the love, connection and support that they need. This can be a deep-seated belief that causes you to people please without even thinking twice about it.
When this is present in your relationship, you might not even notice your people pleasing when your partner is loving you in the ways that you respond best. You'll likely start to notice the people pleasing once your needs aren't being met. The anger you feel with the pattern will probably start with noticing your partner's behaviors. Most likely, you won't notice your part in the relationship until later. It will likely start to feel like, "Wait, why aren't you holding up your end of the deal." You'll start to feel resentful, angry and may become more critical of your partner. You may feel like you're not showing up the way you want to in your relationship.
Your partner may feel confused about where the criticism is coming from because they assumed that you felt okay with the way things were operating (which included people pleasing). Okay with putting your needs second, okay with not always sharing how you feel or where you need to be prioritized. While it may seem obvious to you that it isn't working, they may need some time to catch up.
I want to be very clear here that this doesn't mean that it is all your fault. That most certainly is not the case! They also have responsibility in checking in on the relationship, making observations and striving to be supportive in all aspects of your life together.
The real success in healing relationships comes from each partner taking responsibility for their part.
Another reason that you may be the one doing all the tasks in your life and carrying the mental load is due to some sneaky perfectionism. You might subconsciously have this belief that to be a good partner you must be self-sacrificing or to be a good parent or employee you must do ALL THE THINGS. Maybe you believe that it's best for everyone if you have a pleasant attitude all the time, even when that isn't how you're actually feeling. Maybe you fear being a burden to others, so you take on a lot of responsibility and sit with your painful emotions in silence. You play small because you believe that is how you're supposed to behave to make things flow.
But the thing about relationships is that they require you to show up as your true self. They also require both people to put in the effort to make them work. Movies, books, TV, etc make it look like healthy relationships just happen and are so easy. The truth is, relationships take hard conversations, honesty, honor, time together, considering one another's needs, working on your individual issues as well as your issues as a couple. That work doesn't get done when you're playing small or just expecting things to work out.
If you have been reading my posts for bit, you know that I like to talk about attachment. I want to point out that these patterns of perfectionism and people pleasing can be true for any attachment style. Both anxious and avoidant partners can people please. Often, the more anxious people pleasers are pleasing out of a desire to appear a certain way (easy going, helpful, etc) in order to maintain connection with someone. Those that are more avoidant people pleasers are more likely to people please out of a desire to not be a burden or to avoid things like emotions, conflict, etc. This not to say that those who are more anxious don't people please for reasons that may be more avoidant and vice versa. And of course there are those with more disorganized attachments who quickly switch between more avoidant and more anxious patterns. ... If you want to identify your unique attachment pattern, you can take my free attachment quiz here.
How To Reconnect
First, you need to be able to name what is happening. What is this pain that you're feeling. What are the events and behaviors that led to this particular situation? How has this created a cycle that repeats itself over and over? How are you both feeling about what is occurring in your relationship? What are you both needing to feel good in your relationship? What are the needs that have been fueling the dysfuntional patterns in your relationship?
Name it for yourself first and then find a time and place where you can discuss what is going on. Talk specifically how the perfectionism, and people pleasing is showing up. You can point out how your attachment patterns have played into this. Be sure to take responsibility for your actions and inaction that has led to this point. A way that you can make space for this discussion and approach the topic is by using the Gottman Method State of the Union Weekly Meeting. This is a gentle way to approach the topic and staying up to date on how things are going in the relationship.
You need to share your feelings, your needs, be honest about your part in dynamics that did not serve you two. Be aware of your thoughts and how they are impacting your relationship. Learn to stop or replace behaviors that aren't leading to more understanding or connection in your relationship. Get curious about which emotions are projected at your partner and which emotions feels more vulnerable, so you tend to want to conceal them. Emotions that are projected at partners are secondary emotions. These are often focused on your partner's behaviors. Emotions like anger, annoyance, anxiety, frustration, confusion for example. More vulnerable emotions are primary emotions, a few examples would be loneliness, sadness, fear, embarrassment and shame. Share both types of emotions with your partner. These steps are tenets of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT).
When discussing these things, do not be accusatory, critical or sarcastic. Instead, use "I feel statements, leave room for your partner's perspectives and be collaborative in how you piece together the patterns and work towards a solution.
Outside of these hard conversations, make sure that you're making time for fun and connection in your relationship. Be sure to consider and nurture your relationship with yourself in addition to your relationship with your partner. This can look like making a list of things you enjoy and things that are important to you and then writing them into your schedule. Make sure that your partner and others in your life know when these things are scheduled, so they know to help you protect that time. Prioritizing self-care and time for connection between you and your partner can be a new relationship value. Gottman method therapy refers to this set aside time for connection as rituals of connection.
If it feels difficult to do any or all of this after repeated attempts, consider working with a therapist to help guide you through the process.
If it is not a good time for therapy for you, check out my course on working on your relationship using your knowledge of your attachment patterns.
I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)
If you want additional support in moving through the work I outlined, I am accepting new therapy clients. If you would like to work with me as your individual or couples therapist, reach out using the contact buttons at the top of this page. If you would like to learn more about working with me click here.
This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.
