Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC
If you're new to Denver, welcome! If you've been here quite a while and you're struggling to make friends, you're not alone. Making friends as an adult is hard! As you get older, you don't have as many opportunities to casually meet friends as you did when you were younger. Socializing is a bit more built in when you're in high school and college. After that, you have to work for it. If you're more introverted that can feel like the worst news ever. I hate to break it to you, but your next friend probably isn't going to just show up at your doorstep. However, some of these tips below might just speak to your introverted heart and help you make new friends.
Bumble For Friends
This one is for the introverts. If you don't want to leave your house to make friends, this tip might be music to your ears.
Bumble is usually a dating app. However, they have a function that is strictly for making friends, called Bumble For Friends. This does not occur in the same app that Bumble for dating occurs, it is a separate download. The functions are similar though. You create a profile and share your interests and hobbies, you chat online and you meet up in real life if it seems like you two could hit it off. This way you don't have to leave your house until it feels like it is worth it to you. Their website also has blog posts related to making friends and struggling with not having as many friends as you would like.
Sports
The community that exists around sports is like no other. That may be due, in part, to the shared objective and the necessary teamwork. At any rate, it can be a really fun way to meet new people. Colorado is especially great for this because Coloradans are almost always ready to get active, especially outdoors.
Volo is a great way to find a sport. They have a wide variety of sports in Denver and they list the price and necessary skill level on the listing. If you're a beginner, you can find a team with other beginners using their beginners/social filter on their site.
Check out your local community center to see what types of sports or groups they have right in your backyard. This can be a great option if you are less competitive, a beginner or other sports groups are too far away.
If you don't like the options above, you can also search online by sport. If you're interested in dance, you can look for social dance studios or studios with classes for beginners. Other great sports to check out are CrossFit, Soccer, Boxing (boxing gyms can be a fun way to meet people), Skiing, Paddle boarding, etc.
Events
Finding events in Denver can be a great way to go. We have all sorts of great concert venues, breweries, trivia nights and so forth. The trick is staying on top of what is going on. Nudge Text Denver can help with that. Nudge Text is a free app where you can enter in the types of activities that you like to engage in and they will text you weekly about events going on in Denver based on your preferences. When they text you, they will give you a few different options for you to choose from, so you can find the right activity for yourself.
You can also browse different activities in their app. They are presented in a video format with details in the caption and you can filter for activities based on your interests. If you prefer activities outside of Denver, they also have activities in the mountains listed, including activities in Aspen and Vail, if you're down for a day trip. Nudge Text is also available in many other major cities across the country as well.
This app gives you the best opportunity to try new things and meet new people in the process.
Groups
Finding an established community can be a great way to make friends. Especially, when a primary function of community is to welcome new members.
Meetup.com is a website that has all sorts of activities and groups that you can join. You can search for groups based on location and/or activity. You can often attend an event before you commit to consistently showing up for activities. You may have to pay for some events, but there are also a number of free events as well. Some examples would be hiking or leaf peeping, though there are many others.
Finding Facebook groups based on interests, sports, hobbies, beliefs can be another free and introvert friendly way to connect with others. This can also be a great way to find a roommate if necessary as there are groups specifically focused on finding roommates of certain beliefs, genders, etc. Even if you don't find friends through these groups, you will likely benefit from some relevant information and tips that are shared through these groups.
Searching online for certain groups based on beliefs or interests can be helpful even outside of the aforementioned resources. For instance, if you have an interest in CrossFit or you have a particular faith or spiritual belief, you can search for these communities and see what types of events or groups that they have available.
How To Start The Conversation
So, there you are, ready to mingle and make friends, what do you do? It can be hard to know what to say and it can be even harder to get over your nerves. Some things that can help with the nerves of talking to someone new include:
Take some deep breaths
Practice positive affirmations. Some examples: "Good things can be on the other side of discomfort.", "Everyone feels nervous sometimes.", "I will survive the discomfort of this.", "I have the skills to help me in this moment.", "I can take care of myself when I need to."
Remind yourself of all of the times that you have done something scary and it worked out afterwards. Remind yourself of the times that you did something hard and felt better afterwards. Then, lean into it, do the hard thing. You might just surprise yourself.
If you start to feel so anxious that you feel dysregulated. Use a 5 Senses Grounding Technique where you find 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste (or notice the taste in your mouth). This can help get you out of your head and back into your body and the present moment.
Sometimes it can be helpful to just be honest about the nerves you may be feeling. Accept them for yourself, knowing that it is a part of the process. You can also talk about how awkward it can feel to try to make friends as an adult with the person you're wanting to connect with. You can share in a funny way or a relatable way that it can feel weird to reach out as an adult to make friends. Sometimes naming the discomfort can help it feel less overwhelming. It can also help the both of you connect over a shared experience such as the experience of social jitters.
In terms of things that you talk about, you can discuss the following:
The event that you are attending
If you notice that they are wearing something that might share a bit about their interests, you could ask about that interest.
Popular movies or music
Their hobbies
Use humor to break the ice (think dad jokes)
If you still need some help getting the conversation going, consider these prompts:
"Hey! I'm new to ______ (name event) have you been here before? What do you think of it?"
"I always feel a little awkward at these things, so forgive my awkwardness, but do you know _______ (ask a question about the event)?"
"Are you new to Denver? How long have you lived in the area? What are your favorite places in Denver?" - this might fit better for a gathering where mingling and meeting new people is the objective
"I'm so glad that we were able to get together! I noticed on your profile that ______, I would love to hear more about that." - for when you meet over Bumble for Friends
Adjust the prompts, above, as necessary to fit your needs and natural way of speaking.
Here are some other social skills to consider:
Make sure you're asking them questions about themselves.
Keep things a bit lighter until you know each other well enough to share things that are closer to your heart.
Be aware of non-verbal social cues that might be sharing information with you about whether or not they are enjoying the conversation (eg: their eyes darting around the room versus looking at you most of the time, physically leaning into the conversation vs leaning away, checking their phone versus being engaged with you).
If you're enjoying your time with them, be sure to ask for their contact info, so that you can keep in touch. If you already have their contact info, it might be a good idea to plan another get together before you leave.
Making friends as an adult can feel like a lot of hard work. It can even feel annoying and anxiety producing. I sincerely hope that this post helps you find a place to start that feels reasonable to you.
I'm wishing you the best on your journey! :)
If you would like to work with me as your therapist, reach out using the contact buttons at the top of this page.
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This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and techniques from Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.
