Written By Ashley Gray, LCSW, MFTC
The holidays will be here before you know it. With the holidays often comes a lot of time with family and friends. Perhaps, even some time with people that you would rather not spend time with. It can be hard to know where the line is between meeting your needs and showing up for others. This post offers some things to consider to help you decide what you need this holiday season and how to advocate for those needs.
What Do You Need?
It can sound so simple to know what you need. If you're someone that is used to taking care of others, it can feel hard to assess your needs and advocate for them.
Sometimes we feel the emotions around the holidays so intensely that it can be hard to identify what the actual need is. Second guessing ourselves can complicate the assessment of what the need is and what the boundary around that need should be. This second guessing could be due to dynamics within the relationship that encourage excessive self-sacrifice/people pleasing, minimizing your needs, etc.
To assess what you need start thinking about the thing that is bringing up some uncomfortable emotions. Then, sit still and scan your body from your head to your toes, noticing where you feel different sensations in your body. Listen to these sensations and what they are trying to tell you. Are the butterflies in your stomach, excitement or anxiety? Is there a tightness in your throat telling you that you want to speak up, but you feel like you can't? Is there a pit in your stomach showing you what you're dreading? Is there fatigue in your body telling you that you need more rest this holiday season? What else are you noticing?
Make a list of these sensations and emotions. If the information that you are receiving still doesn't make sense, journal about it or talk it over with a neutral third party to help bring clarity to what you are experiencing. If you would like a tool that you can use on your own to assess your needs check out this video on using a Needs Wheel.
Boundaries to Protect Your Needs
Once you start to get a sense of what your needs are you can start to get a sense of the boundaries that you need. Below are some examples to help you.
Possible areas for boundaries:
Money spent on festivities, gifts or charity
Time spent with family
To what degree you will help with childcare, cooking, decorating, etc
What will be discussed around particular friends or families and/or how things will be discussed
What children can be exposed to (think media, food allergies, certain people, etc)
Touch boundaries. If you don't like to hug, it is okay to not give a hug.
What would you add to this list?
How To Communicate Your Needs and Boundaries To Your Family
Your needs matter and you deserve to have your needs respected this holiday season. Anyone and everyone that you may be interacting with this holiday season have needs that matter and need to be considered. When you are communicating about your needs, this will be helpful to keep in mind.
You want to be able to hear, understand and validate their perspective (as much as possible). You will also want to state your feelings and needs in a way that that will increase your chances of being heard. This is where you'll want to be very clear, assertive, yet kind. Using "I feel" statements can help. These statements are broken up as "I feel ____ about ____ and I need ____." It can also be helpful to be clear about what will need to happen if they can't meet you halfway. This is not meant to be a punishment, but simply clarifying what you will need to take place to meet your needs. This could sound like, "I have been feeling overwhelmed by the amount of tasks that I'm expected to complete each Christmas. I need a lighter load this holiday season. I am willing to make two dishes and participate in the gift exchange. If this doesn't work, I'll have to sit out the festivities this Christmas." As a part of your conversation, you can find a compromise between the different needs using the Gottman two oval method for compromise.
It can also be important to use assertive communication when approaching these concerns. This communication should be firm, factual, yet kind. Maintain open and confident body language and eye contact. Refrain from interrupting, criticism, defensiveness, sarcasm, the silent treatment and minimizing your needs. Remember, someone's negative emotions doesn't mean that your needs are wrong. You also don't have to villainize them. You can see them compassionately and still maintain boundaries. You can still validate their emotions, be open to feedback and still stick to your boundaries. You can even reach a compromise, if that feels right for the situation.
Your family may push back at your boundaries. They may fear that their needs will not be met, that they did something wrong or that their relationship with you is changing in a negative way. Their emotions are valid, but they are not a reason for you to relax your boundary to a point where your needs and values aren't respected. Boundaries at their best help those in the relationship get their needs met, while still maintaining the relationship. The clear boundaries make the relationship possible, unclear or permeable boundaries can make the relationship unsafe and unsustainable. It can be helpful to remember these things when you receive push back on your boundaries. Write down any points in this post that speak to you and help you maintain your boundaries.
How People Pleasing May Show Up
It might be tempting to slip into people pleasing if that has existed in your relationship before. If you are prone to people pleasing, your people pleasing served a purpose. People pleasing may have kept you safe in abusive situations, allowed you to navigate certain social circles, kept you afloat at work, allowed you to experience connection, etc. People engage in behavior that serves a function. It might not always make sense to you or others, but that may be because it served a purpose earlier in life, so you continued to engage in people pleasing even though it doesn't fit with your life now.
To help you change the pattern that you engage in, you need to listen to that part of you that feels that the pattern of people pleasing is needed. Ask that part of you directly (through journal writing or inner dialogue) what they experience, what they need, what they need you to know, when they show up and why they show up. Then do your best to meet those needs in a way that is aligned with your values.
If you offer this part of you new ways of functioning, like new coping skills or communication, be sure to first validate the emotions this part of you is bringing forward. For instance, If you check in with the part of you that tends to people please and it says it does this because it wants to be accepted because they don't want to be alone, you will validate the fear of loneliness. It can sound like this, "I hear that you're fearing loneliness and that makes so much sense. Loneliness is scary and people pleasing has worked to well to keep that at bay. I know that that the burden of people pleasing can be exhausting at times. How would you feel about trying a different way of interacting?" Once you feel that part of you genuinely open up to new ways of interacting, then you can try new strategies. It doesn't mean that you're totally excited and not at all scared, it just means that you're genuinely open to something new. Trying something new can look like implementing boundaries, saying no, self-care or any other way you can meet your needs in a healthy way.
Making A Plan To Protect Your Needs
Your people pleasing tendencies may be tempted to show up when, you feel anxious, when you don't know what to do, when you sense that someone else is feeling disappointed or some other uncomfortable emotion. This could be your attempt to avoid uncomfortable emotions and try to control the outcome, so that it is more predictable or that others are happy.
Others may know this about you and consciously or subconsciously work to evoke this people pleasing in you to get their way. It can be helpful to write down some of the telltale signs of this cycle, so that you know how to keep an eye out for this and choose a different way of interacting. Some of these signs might be particular phrases that are said, certain thoughts that come up, particular behaviors that you witness, certain situations and so forth.
Making a plan ahead of time of how you want to intervene can prevent you from getting caught off guard and then doing something you don't want to do. You can intervene in this problematic cycles by making a list of the ways that you want to manage your thoughts, behaviors, emotions and needs that often lead to people pleasing. Below are some tools that could help.
Identify and talk to someone who is one your side, ahead of the holidays, and ask them to check in on you and asking how maintaining your boundaries is going.
Keep in mind times, place and situations that you might need to excuse yourself to take a break. During these breaks you can go for a walk, journal, find a private place to cry or some other skill that helps you return to yourself.
Write down some ways that you want to address these concerns you have with the people you will be seeing and schedule a time to chat. Make sure you are calm before you chat.
Be sure to express appreciation when they receive your boundaries well and make space to meet your needs and respect your boundaries. Don't forget that things can go well. :)
You can use the Gottman Method Dreams Within Conflict and Two Oval Method to have hard conversations find and a compromise. The purpose of these exercises is identify the existential needs/dreams/concepts and helping one another understand those, so you can support those needs for one another.
Write down some affirmations that will help you remember why you're holding these boundaries. Say these to yourself daily as the holidays are approaching. Here are a few examples:
"It is my responsibility to protect my peace."
"It is not my job to make sure that everyone is happy all of the time."
"My needs are important too."
"I am still worthy when I say, 'no'."
"I can survive uncomfortable emotions and hard conversations."
"These hard moments will help make our relationship better in the long-run."
Follow up after the holidays to discuss how it went. Talk about what went well and what still needs work. It may be beneficial for you to spend some time checking in with yourself first before you discuss it with your family in question.
Now you have a plan for navigating the holidays! I'm wishing you peace, laughter, wonderful memories with friends and family and your needs and values being honored.
I'm wishing you the best on your healing journey! :)
If you would like to work with me, reach out using the contact buttons at the top of this page.
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This post is written by individual and couples therapist, Ashley Gray of Arvada, Colorado. Ashley works with her clients using Gottman Method Couples Therapy, EMDR Trauma Therapy, Prepare and Enrich, attachment focused therapy and techniques from Emotionally Focused Therapy, Couples Intensives and EMDR Intensives. As a therapist, she is passionate about helping people build healthy relationships and supporting people with the resources they need. In her free time, Ashley hikes, paddle boards, reads, spends time with her husband and her cuddly dog. For more information about Ashley and her practice, click here.
